I stopped by the library last night and picked up a book on hold: “Indians, Fire, and the Land in the Pacific Northwest.”
The summary on the back cover reads: “Instead of discovering a land blanketed by dense forests, early explorers of the Pacific Northwest encountered a varied landscape of open woods, spacious meadows, and extensive prairies. Far from a pristine wilderness, much of the Northwest was actively managed and shaped by the hands of its Native American inhabitants. Their primary tool was fire.”
This book is a collection of essays by various authors, taken from historical journals, Native American accounts, and botanical & forestry studies. I’m really looking forward to reading it! (it’s just the sort of thing someone old and boring like me would enjoy – Ha!)
As I thumbed through the book last night, what stood out is that the Native Americans knew their land well. And because of their intimate knowledge of the land, they were able to steward it wisely and sustainably … specifically in regards to food production.
And they did this by using fire.
When it comes to marriage, we oftentimes automatically assume that misunderstandings, disagreements, arguments, and fights are bad. Just like fire is bad for the forests of the Pacific Northwest. Afterall, the entire month of September has been nothing but smoke! It has been so hard to breathe!
We automatically assume that fire is bad! It burns out of control. It damages. It destroys.
And yes … this is true. Uncontrolled blazes do destroy! They cause irreparable damage.
But what about the type of fire used by the original Native Americans? How was it that they were able to use fire so effectively to bring about abundant crops of huckleberries and root-plants to nourish and sustain life??
Just like the original Native Americans were able to effectively manage fire to bring about life, so also we too can manage our fights to bring about life in our relationship.
In the forest, an out-of-control blaze doesn’t just start. If the land has been neglected and mismanaged, there will be brushy undergrowth which has grown up and taken over the landscape. This brushy undergrowth is highly flammable.
The same thing is true in marriage. If we neglect our marriage and do not put any time or effort into cultivating our marriage, “brushy undergrowth” of disappointments, frustrations, failures, offenses, etc. will spring up within the relationship. This type of relational “brushy undergrowth” is highly flammable!
In the forest, an out-of-control blaze doesn’t just start. A little spark … just a tiny little spark happens. Nothing much really. The tiny little spark catches fire to some small bit of brushy undergrowth … and it sits there and smolders.
The same thing is true in marriage. Out-of-control blazing angry fights don’t just start. It’s a tiny little spark. Nothing much really. The tiny little spark catches fire to some small bit of relational “brushy undergrowth” which has been growing in the relationship … and it sits there and smolders.
When it comes to forest fires, the biggest thing to worry about is the wind! It is the wind which catches the smoldering little brushfire and fans it into a blaze! It’s the wind which then carries that raging blaze across vast tracts of forest … jumping ridges and rivers … destroying everything as it goes!
The same thing is true in marriage. It is the “winds of life” (the stresses, anxieties, pressures of the day-to-day) which catch the smoldering little relational brushfire and fans it into a full-blown raging fight! If the relational “blaze” is not checked, it will continue to be fanned into an out-of-control fury which will sweep across vast tracts of the relationship … destroying everything as it goes!
So … how do you manage the fire?? How do you manage your fights in marriage??
* Be observant!
It takes intentionality to manage a marriage. It takes active work. Pay attention! Be aware of the “brushy undergrowth” – disappointments, frustrations, failures, offenses, etc. …
Don’t ignore the “brushy undergrowth.” It is highly flammable! Be observant … and do something!
Take action to work through those disappointments, frustrations, failures, offenses, etc. …
* Be sensitive!
Out-of-control blazing fights don’t just happen. It starts with a small smolder. You can tell when a “small smolder” is in progress because there are tell-tell signs: your spouse is agitated, short, snappy! … cool, distant, withdrawn! … sad, melancholy, brooding.
Those “whisps of smoke” you are seeing … that “smell of smoke” in the air … there’s a smolder in progress! Be sensitive and take note!
Then do something about it! Address the issue! Clearly something happened within the relationship to set off this “smolder.” What was it??
Realize the offenses which occurred … and take responsibility for your part. “Put water on the smolder” and work together to restore the relationship.
In mine and hubby’s marriage it’s our fights which have taught us the most about each other. It’s the “smolders” which have given hubby insight into “what makes me tick.” And it’s the “smolders” which have given me insight into “what makes hubby tick.”
Well-managed fights in marriage can lead to a better understanding of your spouse. They lead to strengthened communication between the two of you. They lead to a strong marriage which is free from “brushy undergrowth.”
Manage your fights well.
