Hubby and I, along with our two kids, have just flown back from a wedding. On our way to the wedding, as well as on the way back from the wedding, there were many people in the airports, as well as on the airplanes, who were wearing masks.
My guess is that probably 2/3rd of the people were wearing face masks as protection to keep from getting sick. And my guess is that the other 1/3rd were probably already sick.
Hubby and I did not wear a mask on this trip, but here you can see us back in 2021 when face masks were still mandatory on airplanes.
What you notice about this photo is that you can’t really tell what hubby and I look like, with our masks on. You can get a pretty good idea of what we look like … but with most of our face covered, that leaves a lot about who we are hidden.
Does hubby have a mustache? You can’t tell.
Maybe a goatee? And if so, what color is it? You can’t tell.
From our squinting eyes, you can tell we are smiling. But most of the time, when someone is wearing a face mask, you can’t read their facial expressions at all.
We have just flown back from a wedding … and I can’t help but think of the words of the cartoon character, Edna: No capes! Or … in the context of marriage it would be … No masks!
In the Disney/Pixar movie, The Incredibles, the family was meeting with a fashion designer (Edna) who would be creating their new superhero costumes. (as an aside, Edna is my favorite character in the movie!)
When Mr. Incredible asks Edna about their new superhero costume having a cape, Edna emphatically states: No capes!
She proceeds to detail disastrous consequences which have befallen superheroes wearing capes. Therefore … No capes!
When it comes to marriage, the same type of emphatic statement can be made: No masks!
I’m not speaking of literal, physical masks. But rather, emotional relational masks.
Just like hubby and I wearing masks in the above photo, when we wear an emotional, relational “mask” in our marriage we are “covering up” and “hiding” half of who we are.
With the literal physical mask, everything about the human face which reveals feelings and emotions is hidden. You can’t read any facial expressions with the mask on.
The same thing is true when it comes to marriage. When we wear an emotional, relational “mask” in our marriage, everything about who we are deep down at our core is hidden. Our spouse is not able to “read” us.
What makes us tick? What bothers us? What touches us deep in the deepest parts of our soul? What hurts us deep down in our soul?
As we journey through life with our spouse, if we are wearing an emotional, relational “mask” … our spouse has no idea that that thing which just happened triggered a very deep painful memory … and that deep down in our soul we are grieving! Our spouse has no idea … because we are wearing a “mask.”
Our spouse has no idea that we are very fearful, and weighed down heavy with anxiety. Our spouse has no idea … because we are wearing a “mask.”
If we are wearing a “mask” … our spouse has no idea that what they just said wounded us. They have no idea that when they suggested one thing, we really were hoping for something different. We are “hiding” behind a “mask” … and our spouse can’t really “read” us.
Our spouse can’t tell what we are thinking.
Our spouse can’t tell what we are feeling.
Our spouse has no idea that we need their comfort. Our spouse has no idea how to meet our needs.
We are supposed to be “one” in marriage … but how can the two of us be one if we are both wearing “masks” to each other??
If hubby doesn’t know what I’m thinking and feeling … and if I don’t know what hubby is thinking and feeling … how on earth are we supposed to be unified as one??
So … Why would we wear a “mask” in marriage?
Just like the people in the airports and on the airplanes who don’t want to get sick … perhaps we wear a “mask” towards our spouse because we don’t want to be hurt. Perhaps we have been hurt in the past. And perhaps we are fearful of being hurt again. Therefore, as protection for our heart against being hurt, we “hide” who we truly are. We “hide” what we are truly thinking and feeling. We “hide” behind a “mask.”
Our spouse thinks they know us.
But they don’t. Not really. They only know the tiny portion of our heart that is “visible” from behind the “mask.”
The majority of what makes us who we are … our spouse has no idea. Because we won’t let them see that part of us. We are “hiding behind a mask” … for protection.
Why else would we wear a “mask” towards our spouse in our marriage?
Just like the people in the airports and on the airplanes who are already sick … perhaps we wear a “mask” towards our spouse because we have a lot of “sickness” deep down in our soul. Deep, deep wounding from our past. “Sickness” which we might not have any idea how to deal with. “Sickness” which plagues us in our quiet moments, which nobody else knows about. “Sickness” which we don’t know how to ask help for.
And so, we wear a “mask.” We “hide” our “sickness.” We don’t want our spouse to see who we really truly are … we don’t want them to see our “sickness.”
What if they won’t love us anymore? What if they won’t be willing to accept us, with our “sickness”? What if they think our “sickness” is stupid?
And so we “hide.” We “hide” behind a “mask.”
We “hide” our “sickness” … and act like everything is fine. While, secretly, we are “dying” on the inside. And our spouse has no idea.
What about moisturizing beauty masks?
Sometimes, we wear “beauty masks” in our marriage because deep down we don’t feel as if we are worthy. We don’t feel as if we are “beautiful” enough. We don’t feel as if we are good enough.
So, just like the moisturizing beauty mask in the photo above, we wear a “mask” to “hide” the “real me” … while trying to be a more “beautiful” version of ourself.
But lets be honest … just like the photo above, we look absurd in the “beauty mask.”
If you want a strong, stable, long-lasting marriage … the #1 rule is: No masks!
Absolutely no masks!
Be 100% real to your spouse! Be who you really truly are. Share what you really truly are thinking and feeling. Do not hide who you are from your spouse.
Be 100% authentic to your spouse! If you have fears … be authentic and share them with your spouse. If you have worries … be honest. If you have “baggage” … share that “baggage” with your spouse, and together work though that “baggage.”
If you have “sickness” … share that “sickness” with your spouse, and together work through it so that you can get the help you need.
Be 100% genuine to your spouse! Do not try to be a “more beautiful” version of yourself which you think they might like better. Be genuine. Be who you are.
If you are hurt by something your spouse says or does … don’t hide behind a “mask.” But rather talk about it! Discuss it together. Work through it together, with open honest communication.
No masks!
And if your spouse is hurt by something you say or do … don’t hide behind a “mask.” Be honest and receptive to talk about it. Discuss it together. Work though it together, with open honest communication.
No masks!
If you want a strong, stable, long-lasting marriage … absolutely no masks!
